Tuesday, January 30, 2007

My Interview with Shuan White

Written For XTREME Boarders, Skiers, & Crazy Fucks Doing Backflips on Snowmobile Magazine

- Jan 29 From the Aspen Penal Colony, Colorado

85 Time X-Game Gold Medalist Shaun White is a snow covered God and Angel. He’s an institution of Extreme Sports. Who else could get away with a nickname like Flying Tomato or The Effervescent Red Bush. He's always been one of the top snowboard stompers as all who watch the X-Games know, and his air is hugely enormous as he has been described by the fantastic X-Game commentators. He even won an Olympic Gold Medal for Snowboarding, (and you thought this was kid's stuff.) One day, they'll do away with Hockey, but the Winter Olympics will never again be deprived of Snowboarding X or whatever they call the event.

Shaun was nice enough to sit down with me for a heart to heart, shortly after his thrashing at the hands of a bunch of other snowboarders with stupid names and even more ridiculous profile images on the event's jumbotron. He was, of course drinking Monster Energy Drink, the key to all victory, while we spoke aboard his private Jet, the blaringly red Flying Tomato Cessna X4.

(Editor's Correction: There have only been like 11 Winter X Games and White has won about that same amount of medals, and Mr. White is not nicknamed The Effervescent Red Bush)

(Writer's Retort to Editor: Fuck you, it's called artistic fucking license.)

Joe: Yo S-Dog!!!

Shaun White: Chillin, J-Killa.

J: So you're the big loser this weekend Shaun?

S: It happens when it happens, you know what I mean.

J: Yea it is sad when your skills deteriorate. What are you, in your 20s? You're way over the hill. Are you thinking about retirement?

S: Nah man. I'm totally stoked bro. I was getting some sick air. Like 100 feet out of the pipe. I probably broke every record in snowboarding height including gravity. Got a big chip on my shoulder next to a big painful lump. I got it falling on my Cab 720 on that last run.

J: Yea, that was a bad spill. What exactly is a McTwist by the way?

S: It's sponsored by Mcdonald's. I'm lovin it.

J: I thought it was sponsored by Mountain Dew.

S: Boo for the doo, it's all about the fucking Monster Energy Drink.

J: So you must get a fuckload of pussy?

S: The ski bunnies are rad for my shit.

J: Do you show them your 1080?

S: I combo the Frontside and Backside Tailgrabs, followed by the patented "later bitches, I'll call you sometime."
(An audible sound of his tongue hanging out follows)

J: (laughing interviewer style): But you don't call 'em... haha.

S: They all drink the Monster White Juice. None of the ladies can kick it.

J: So what's next for Shaun White.

S: Something really wicked crazy. Probably the Super Freestyle Shaun White Games in Omaha.

J: You're starting your own events?

S: I don't have to start them. I own them all.

J: I thought Sal Masakela owned them along with ESPN.

S: I own Sal Masakela and his stupid ass dreads. I've been trying to get that guy off the air since
I was at the start of puberty. And now I'm almost done with that puberty shit, although, you may have seen some zits sprouting after the Superpipe.

J: How do you "own" all the events if you just lost?

S: All part of my master plan brohamsef. Everybody loves a comeback like Rocky 6 and when they made Psycho again. They made Evil Dead like 8 times.

J: So you're anticipating a sequel or a remake?

S: Hell yea. Here comes the ultimate comeback, “The Vengeance of the Flying Tomato.” Yea the chip's on my shoulder. I'm stoked and bummed about it but more stoked than anything else.

J: Great title. That's good to hear. One last question before I let you go. Do you know Bill and Ted from San Dimas?

S: Sure I know those guys. Cool cats. We stomped some rad runs back in the old days.

I'm sure you did Shaun. Sure he knows Bill and Ted from San Dimas. He's probably seen their movie about 10-15 times just like us all. Too bad Bill and Ted never had a Snowy Journey through the X Games.

(This is not a real interview.)

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