Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Board Games as Movies = Filmmaking Mathematical Equation? 'Candyland’ = ‘The Lord of the Rings,’ = Bullshit?

So this story has been around for a while but now that it's going to happen, I'm getting afraid for the creativity of this country especially around the the southern west coast.

Producers are looking for names that can bring in cash. Not just stars anymore but products. First it was superheros, then comic books, then video games, and now it's board games.

According to a post by EW, screenwriter Johnathan Aibel, of Kung Fu Panda heritage, says he is looking to Candy Land as a sort of Lord of the Rings with candy. Of course J.R.R. Tolkien wrote thousands of pages creating various worlds, creatures and characters and he gets to create it all from a couple of cards and glued paper.

Here's a quote from the piece where the writer boils down the comparison:
...the domains of the nefarious Duke of Swirl and Lord Licorice and into King Kandy’s scrumptious kingdom. But what if the Cupcake Commons were, say, the Shire, and the Chocolate Mountains were Mordor?
Right. Well enjoy the paycheck. It will be all you have after this turd arrives DOA. Then go write Kung Fu Panda 3 so Jack Black can have one successful role to continue playing as his career devolves into a string of flops, bombs, and boring crap that tosses away the greatness of his Tenacious D roots.

Board games. You know the things that people under the age of 18 don't know exist. The things they receive on holidays from their parents and toss aside like socks between the iPods, the iPads, the flips, and the $400 pair of jeans that won't fit them within a year. The things that parents dream about rolling out onto the dining room table and having a family night without the distraction of virulent flashing images, snarky comedy, and half naked teenagers and twenty-somethings slapping each other.

A board game is a cellophane box covered cardboard box full plastic pieces, paper cards, and a colorfull cardboard playing surface along with instructions (which kids don't use anymore) will now become Alice in Wonderland with candy. Isn't there already a great magical candy movie? Willy Wonka. That was already remade with some success. In fact, it was by the same crew (Johnny Depp, Tim Burton et al) who made Alice in Wonderland (in 3D of course)

Dirty Scrabble (from Inquisitr)

Did you know that Scrabble used to be played primarily with wooden tiles on a piece of cardboard until a few years ago? It didn't even spell check your words for you before you submitted it. You actually had to know words and how to spell them, not just get an extra app that helps you cheat in Scrabble by typing your letters in it and it gives you words.

There's even amazing documentary about the craziest of them from 2007 call Word Wars.

Here's the only mathematical equation that matters to Hollywood execs. People love candy, fantasy, magical lands, and movies so if we combine all these together, we're going to rolling in sweet sweet moolah.

If it is epic like Lord of the Rings but is targeted at the Barbie loving crowd, who the fuck is going to watch it?

Don't even get me started on the estimated $200 million being spent on a movie from the director of Hancock about big boats in the water taking the title of a board game with little plastic pieces and a plastic frame, that ended with the exclamation of "Battleship sunk!" You know, because people love battleships, and explosions, blood, war, and special effects. I have a feeling the words "piles of cash sunk" will be coming around during the summer of 2012.

One thing I'm sure of, both of these movies will be one of 100 movies to be released in 3D in the next year. Every movie will only be in 3D next year. I hate 3D movies. Another reason to stop going to theaters besides the fact that the prices keep going up as the quality goes down the poop shoot. Here comes the summer Hollywood, surprise me. Make me a believer again!

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