Scenes From a Padres Fan on Vacation in North Florida

All the other Wes Anderson's got Criterion so why can't Bottle Rocket? It’s been over a decade since the film that launched the careers of the Brothers Wilson, Luke and Owen as well as Anderson. Owen Wilson plays the awesome character vehicle as zany and grandiose planner Dignan. Luke also shows up as the straight man, basically the same character he’s played well his entire career. Well it finally is on its way. This is still one of the more overlooked films of the mid 90’s indie film scene. (Cinematical)

The Padres are making me sweat it out. It’s the Top of the ninth and the game is tied 6-6. A tiebreaker game that decides who makes it to the playoffs. Peavy was disappointing but is a no doubter Cy Young winner. At least they are no the Mets.

I know it’s not my birthday but it might as well be. Radiohead announced they will be releasing their new album… online… next week…FOR FREE. Not like the free really matters. Just shows how Radiohead blazes new trail in all aspects. I’m not in love with the album title In Rainbows, but I am in love with Radiohead. Visit inrainbows.com for more information. (Reported everywhere music is reported including Pitchfork)

From the Desk of Joe’s Vacation (While Riding the Dolphin Statue)…

I have been in Florida the last week or so visiting my grandparents. Even though it’s hurricane season in the southwest, if there isn’t a hurricane, this is the perfect time to vacation here. I parked one spot from the beach 2 times last week. The last few days the weather has been gloomy with the crazy Florida only blinding sun showers.

As a Northeasterner, I’m not used to running into the wrath of Nor’easters or whatever they call these fuckers. One second the sun is shining and it is a perfect 90 degrees. The next second the rain is battering the windshield so hard that you have to slow down from 100 MPH on Interstate 95 to almost a complete stop, turn your wipers on the strongest setting, and put your hazards on. And then it just stops dead. And the sun comes right back out like nothing ever happened. This happens about 4 times a day.

Of course, there are a lot of old people. Real old people as well. I went to dinner with 6 of them the other night to a place called the Palm Coast Classic Diner (Under New Management, and rater 4 out of 5 on palmcoast.biz). I was weary since it was called a diner, it was in a space that in no way resembled a diner, and I was about to sit down with these 6 Jewish senior citizens. It is open 24 hours a day, but there didn’t seem to be any customers after 7 PM. Old people don’t do 24 hours. There barely do 12 hours a day. I had done this once before the last time I was here at a steakhouse. Foods that have different ways of being cooked are completely fucked in an area like this. I don’t know how you could open a steakhouse in such a nickel and dime ticky-tack place like this. That night no less than 8 dishes and sides were sent back with constant complaints.

So we arrive at this diner. There is no one there. In NJ, Diner means order, drinks, food, 15 minutes or less. I gave a 2.5 multiplier to convert to Florida service speed. The food was ordered with not much incident besides a plethora or sauces and vegetables that were to be left off or substituted by every individual at the table but that is to be expected.

10 minutes later drinks arrived. No mixed drinks or beers. 6 of the 8 people ordered water. The room we were sitting in was still completely empty. 20 minutes later came 3 bowls of soup. 30 minutes into a meal at a “DINER.” 3 people have soups.

There was 12 minutes before some bread came out and 27 more minutes till all the meals arrived at the table. Orders to service of entrees with no appetizers order takes exactly 59 minutes. At least they stayed under the hour mark. You may think someone ordered steak or something. Nope. The table was 6 wraps, a veal parm, and shrimp. Hopefully the chefs had a nice nap because they were definitely not cooking.

This place should be sued for being called a diner. I know diners and this place was no diner. The name should be rescinded. The waiter was very nice and the old people didn’t seem to be fazed because they have all the time in the world. This begs the question: is it better to have fast service with a frown or slow service with a smile? Well how slow is the service? If it takes a hour to get a few sautéed veggies in a wrap with a baked potato, I’ll take the pissy frown with the waiters always expecting and thinking they are deserving of bigger tips. No more trips to the Palm Coast diner for this young feller.

Now it’s the 11^th inning in the Padres game and it’s still 6-6. I’m being tortured. C’mon Pads. Give me something. I’m simultaneously losing in Fantasy Football. I can’t ask for much with the Radiohead announcement in mind but a Padres win could make Joe a very happy man.

We’re going to the top of the 12^th… Let’s go Pads!!

I'm Back and Ron Villone Sucks

A dramatic visage of Ron Villone throwing a meatball in the snow for the Yankees.


It’s been a while… since I could my head up high. (Thanks Aaron Lewis and Staind, who are back in the studio to take back some of that Nickelback real estate.) And there I go again. Not one sentence into this fucking entry and I’m going off on an unqualified tangent but I set myself up. Fuck.

Well, it has been a while. Extreme bouts of overworked, sleep-deprived, and Yankee depressed related inactivity have, for quite a while, conquered the “little author that could,” if you could call a blowhard writing 300 words every few weeks an “author.” I better fucking stop this.

But I had a night with maximum energy a few nights ago and the pen started humming. Still, it took me four days to type it up. Outdated blogs make a lot of sense. This was a beautiful night, the temperature was in the mid 70s and the New Jersey air didn’t fill your lungs with congestion. The Yankees had just completed a sweep at the hands of the lowly Rockies, 4th place in the NL West but still over .500. The Yankees were teetering around .500 mark. The Rockies had about 4 games on the Yankees by the end of the series. In fact, 4 teams in the NL West have a better record than the Yankees. 4 teams have won more games than they have lost, unlike the AL East where the Yankees reside in 2nd place, the best of the 4 sub .500 teams in that division. It could be said that the AL East is the weakest division in baseball with 4 sputtering teams and the division crown practically over halfway into the season.

I love the sound of a Yankee fan throwing in the towel as their team picks up increasing payroll for fun. No other business takes on more debt when they are about to go under. But sadly the Yankees are propped up by millions and millions of front running cry babies who have chalked this year up to it “not being their season.” Some want to trade off their parts and pick up some prospects on talk radio. A lot of teams want to pay $17 million for the expiring contract of Bobby Abreu. He’s been in a lot of big pennant races in his Phillies experience.

They want to trade A-Rod since he’s gonna leave anyway, like someone will pay the rest of his salary so he can opt out and go to the highest bidder.. They think they will get the farm from a team that is actually in the playoff hunt for Jorge Posada, and they can *wink wink* sign him after the season having accrued some prospects. These are tricks that teams like the Yankees fall for, the rent-a-player overpriced mercenary.

No one is giving the Yankees anything, especially the thing that their money seems to not buy, a bullpen. Kyle Farnsworth is quite the 20 + million dollar man. And every time I see Ron Villone coming in the game I get giddy. I know the game is about to go right down the tubes. And now pitching for the Yankees, the human battering ram, number 47, Ron Villone. Follow him up with Vizciano and thenback to the submariner Mike Myers, the Ortiz killer, and Torre can piece together a nice big L for his ballclub.

I got the fear from that little run but that was the blip. The Yankees have to win 30 games more than they lose the rest of the season to make the playoffs. It could happen and the Yankees might try to buy it, but there will be a few parties the day the Yankees are eliminated form contention.

And next year to keep all these boys around for another losing season the Yankees could rack up half a billion in just re-signing players in the off season. 5 years, 30 million for A-rod. 2 years, 30 million fr Rivera. 4 yrs, 60 million for Posada. A contract extension for “the Captain” so he doesn’t feel slighted, how about A-Rod’s old salary 5 years, 25 million a year. And they can do all of that and not only make their team just as weak as it was but hinder them from a future.

The Giambi albatross (20+ million a year for at least 2 or 3 more) will remain along with Johnny “Hurts Real Bad” Damon for like 3 more years. So Giambi and Damon can share DH and 1st base duties, who both can’t filed or stay healthy, with a right hander that can’t hit .200 Mentkiewicz (I don’t care how you fucking spell it, he sucked as a Met and a Red Sock too, good scouting Yanks). It is horrifying how much money this team can piss away on the DL, they have the payroll of the NL Central on their on DL at most times.

The future looks bright in the Bronx. But they’ll make a run at the best move they can make, getting a real centerfielder. Ichiro and Torii Hunter are going to be free agents, as well as the severely slumping Andruw Jones. It could help but pick your poison (stop it with the fucking clichés) and add $15-$17 million a year for 5 years. Say it’s not about the money, and then go out their and overpay. Spend, spend, spend you fuckers. And I’ll make a toast to your future miseries and lack of penultimate success, the championships. It’s going to take a long time to build a real team again and hopefully I won’t see it again. You had it, and it slipped away. All the mercenaries under the sun can’t help the Evil Empire now.

I was going to write about something else too. Ah yes, movies. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, short and sweet, much improved from it’s predecessor, and perfectly timed at right under 90 minutes, a welcomed relief after the 2 ½ hours plus running times of Spider Man Hell and the Pirates Curse movie. Ocean’s 13, a lot of slick talk and interesting camera work patches the holes in a rushed plot.

I promise I’ll get to a longer assessment of the state of comic book blockbusters in the next week or so followed by a detailed analysis of Fargo I’ve been cooking up. Thanks for your patience. Something worthwhile will get up here eventually.